i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
