His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
