Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
