I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
