I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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