My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
