$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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