She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
