if you like me you must not know who I am
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I puked a lego.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
