Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
