Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
