My room smells like vodka and shame
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
