my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
