Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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