I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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