i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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