Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
