We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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