My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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