I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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