His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
