I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
