Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just pee around me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
