Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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