We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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