Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
