I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
