I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
