ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's blow job season.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
