Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Is Oprah even human
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
