I'm gonna have a badass scar
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
