is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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