I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You are the jesus of drinking
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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