Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
