K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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