how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
