I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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