Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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