I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
