So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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