sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
