$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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