If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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