Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
