one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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