Michael Bay diarrhea
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
