Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
