What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
