TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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