If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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